Back to Reality

So I finally have been able to see a clear break in the clouds that has been my past month. This post is going to be relatively a short post because not much has happened in the past week except unending pcos bleeds. Fun.

I have a gyno appointment coming on the 20th. I reaaaaally hope to have this sorted by then. I really don’t want to be one of those pcos sufferers that bleed multi months. Funny thing tho, when I went for a clinic lab visit, the lab said my iron count was fine, normal despite me bleeding like a stuck pig. Go figure. Oh and my thyroids are still NOT in normal perimeters so my synthroid got boosted up a little on dosage. 13619861_555083704698197_3872783253526781524_n

I found my photo proofs from my senior year book photos from before my hair started to fall out and I was over 100lbs lighter. It’s hard to believe now how thick my hair used to be, or why I didn’t appreciate myself more back then. I was a different girl back then. I had such high lofty ideals but one thing that remains the same, my wish to change the world.

Right now the world has to wait while I improve myself. Being in midst a PCOS episode has set me back considerably weight goal wise. Seeing me from 15 years ago reminds me that the girl in the photo is still in there somewhere. The positive spirit still remains despite the losses I’ve had since then. I know I can do this.


Just keep Swimming folks. We can do this.


Guys, as in Menfolk, Look away (graphic)

This post is going to be a bit graphic as I recount this past month. I know how sensitive our menfolk can be when it comes to our “problems” as ladies… as if “problems” stands only for what most women have a week to endure.

To be honest, I don’t know how many readers I have. It has never really bothered me one way or another if I have any readers. I certainly don’t post with any regularity to warrant readers. I will say it tickles me to no end when someone does read my dribble or even likes/shares my sporadic entries.

For those who have stuck with me since 2013 and the sometimes feverish post flurries to the desert of not caring to post droughts, I’d like to share something very personal and intimate about myself with the understanding that I’m welcoming unwanted attention and jibes. I suffer from PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome).



Continue reading


Having a rough couple of days leading up to mother’s day as usual. I spent all evening last night binge watching Lost Girl on netflix, with the frequent splicing of random crying fests.

I miss my best friends terribly. My mom and my grandmother. Within two years, two generations of sage wisdom, experience and humor lost to the grim reaper. Two lifetimes.

I’m exhausted. Worn thin. My patience evaporated like so much boiled water under the pressure of the world. Everywhere I turn I’m either reminded how I’m not good enough, not trying enough, or how much loss I’ve gone through that will always be present in my life.

I try to make my posts cheerful, at least I’ve been trying to since the start of my journey. But let’s get real here. Blogs are a sort of narcissism, feeding our egos so the world sees us. Someone witnesses your work, effort or pain. All depends on what your blog is for. Today, there is no cheer. Nothing to inspire the masses by. Today I’m just surviving. I’m just trying to live til after sunday.

I’m hurting and there are times I just want to give up.

Keep Swimming pt2

Waking up today took monumental effort. But I did it. Something small… nonsense efforts. Things we take for granted merely because it’s something we do day in, day out.

Every night each of us on this blue and green marble goes to bed with the hope we wake up tomorrow. Another chance to right the wrongs we’ve caused, a chance to do impossible things, or to continue onto the mundane.

I find myself rambling this morning. Probably from lack of caffeine. Let me get back to my purpose of today’s post. Intent.

This past weekend, I did something sans prompting and out of character for me.

While everyone else slept in, I got up early, climbed onto my treadmill and put in my penance. I plugged my phone into the speaker system, queued up my fave latin music and kept my stride in time with the beat.

And I was at peace. Sweaty, but at peace with myself and the world. All my personal demons get lulled into silence until all I can hear is the music and the thuds of the downbeat of my walkers.

As my legs burn with the production of lactic acid in my muscles, a million thoughts process and filter in the early morning hours but the only thing heard is my pandora app playing my heartsong and my use of the treadmill, with it being the uneasy measured breathing from earnest efforts to erase years of mistakes from my physical form.

Now you may not give two shites about what I’m thinking during this self imposed therapy with myself, but you’re reading a window into my life, so… here goes.

“Each step I take adds a micro second of life I didn’t have from inactivity. I can do this… 10 more minutes. It is 10 left right? 18?! Seriously?? Ugh, fine, 18 minutes. I got this. Breathe Cat… Don’t forget to breathe. Oh! 17 1/2 minutes. Really getting somewhere there speedy. Keep going Cat.. One step at a time. Holy geesh my calves are feeling it. Should I add an incline to this? I wonder if that denim skirt’s gonna fit me by the end of the month? Omg, I’ve got so much crap to do today. Whoa! Yup, not ready for the incline yet. Note to self, look at the button when you’re adding to the incline. Dumbdumb. Fun. dry mouth. How much time do I have left? 5 more minutes, atta girl, you got this….”

Sadly my personal commentary at the time never sounds this cheeky or entertaining in my own head when I’m slaving away to the treadmill. But I think I like getting up early, having the house to myself so no one else can witness me, the sweaty mess on the treads as she tries to sort out the mess she’s made out of herself. This might have to become a thing. 

Even slow progress is better than no progress. I didn’t get on the treadmill this morning but tonight I’ll get on that. Now… where’s my coffee…

Hello my old Friend…

Spyda, when you get back to reading your archives, I hope you read this one the most.

There are going to be days you hate yourself. Days when you look in the mirror, all that screams at you is that you are a failure. You are an accumulation of a life lived poorly. That you are a dull boring existence with nothing to offer the world. That you are a tired, empty husk, beaten raw by disappointment.

You are none of those things. You… are brilliant. You are creative. You have stunning blue grey eyes that has been described as piercing. You have lived life in the best way you could at the time and you yearn to improve.  I will be honest with you Spyda, it’s hard as hell for me to put this out here because I’m feeling every inch of that “failure” right now.

Mother’s day is coming up this weekend. Mom and Gran are gone, been 3 years for mom, 2 for gran now. I know we’re not at our goal yet and we’ve suffered some set backs. Please don’t give up. For me now… and for you – when ever it is that you’ve come to visit me because you’re needing a boost.  Mom and Gran would be so proud of us, for even the little way we’ve come.

Get back on that Treadmill. Keep telling yourself why we’re doing this. Know that you- simply put- are LOVED. You aren’t alone and when you feel the most isolated, all you need to do is reach out your hand and ask for help. There’s nothing wrong with asking for that help. Make a push pin board and let’s hang it by your treadmill. It’s too easy to sit down and avoid the fight ahead. We are mighty. We are fighters who yearn to look in that mirror and see us for as we are, not our mistakes, our missed opportunities. No one else sees us that way, why do we?? Our lovers, our heroes, our friends, our peers… We surround ourselves in good people who love and adore us as we are, even when we feel our worst. Don’t be afraid to grasp life and stand in the ring. We may falter but at least we’re fighting.


Keep going Spydacat. Our lives depend on it.

yeah yeah, I suck at this…

but in my defense, I’ve been doing kick ass at the getting healthier. Not as kick ass – as I’d like but I’m getting there. We’ll see if I can get back to blogging, in between gym time and work ;-p

Starting weight: 382lbs

Current weight: 343 lbs ::edited:: actually sorry 😀 I’m 339! I broke the 340 line as of yesterday and totally forgot it! How the heck could I forget that!!!!! /::edited::

current fitness routine: gym time 20-30 minutes every other day, currently focused on Cardio.

Love you guys. Thank you for being awesome human beings.

Right then. Onto the Update!

1. Totally not WordPress’s fault. I had a window licking, forget which way is up, special moment.

I was trying to log into…. not

2. It’s been over a year since I last posted. A YEAR!!!!! What the Hell’s bells Cat!!

A lot’s been happening. Life altering, some good, some bad altering ways.

So I’ll just get started, acknowledge I’ve eff’ed up and rededicate myself in the hopes that this huge faux pas won’t be a habitual problem and turn into new year resolutions.

my grandparents at my wedding. Best present ever.

my grandparents at my wedding. Best present ever.

I started 2014 with such good intentions but it was going to be sooo hard. It was fast approaching my mom’s 1 year anni of when she passed away…. January… (how can I even get through this without crying???!) Life sometimes can be exceptionally cruel. January I lost the most fantastic sweetest grandmother in the world. My grandma….

I don’t know if I can get through that paragraph. Right now I can’t even hold it together to even type the words. The picture is of my Alzheimer’s stricken grandfather and my grandmother at my wedding back in 2010. Did I mention how hard it is to type through tears?

We put grandma to rest January 25, 2014, just within the year of having lost mom. There is a void that can’t be filled.Where mom was the glue that kept the family together, Grandma was the Heart and Soul of the family. We were barely keeping it together when mom passed. Losing Grandma tore the family apart. Without going into too many details, my grandfather was moved to be closer to my aunt a little over 4 hours away to live in a Alzheimer’s treatment facility. While I’m still on talking terms with my entire family, the same could not be said between my family members. My heart goes to them. It pains me to see the ones I love at odds with no end in sight to the rift between them. Being the now second eldest woman in the family, all I can do is keep the memories of my family happy and together in my heart. Life goes on far different than where I was two years ago.

Through all of this, I floundered and yet some how have managed to lose 33 lbs and so far maintained it. I’m almost to my 10 % weight loss goal. It’s so easy to get discouraged about how slow going it has been. But then I remember those too wonderful women I looked up to and think of how they would respond to my loss. They would encourage me, cheer me on, tell me to never give up.

Its easy to get complacent, to let life run you over, be forgetful of the “why” to your journey. Don’t let it. Don’t let your hopes and dreams get binned, forgotten and left with regrets. Life while different isn’t over. You don’t stop living because you lose someone you love. You FIGHT! You have more of a reason to fight harder than ever before! Someone is watching you struggle. Someone is paying attention to the sacrifices. Maybe, just Maybe, that someone is fighting too, struggling too, and at their rope’s end because sometimes it feels those sacrifices are too overwhelming.

That someone might be someone you love and cherish dearly. They might be someone you don’t know yet but could become someone important to you in the future. Fight for you, for them, for the future.

Whatever you do, Just Keep Swimming.

Biggest love and thanks for reading.