I think I’m starting to get this dieting thing. I started this mess 5 days (?) ago… and I’m starting to see the battlefield from where I’m at.
5 days ago, I swore to myself and to my mother’s memory, I was going to beat this demon of mine.
5 days ago, I told myself that I’m worth more than chocolate, that I’m worth it to make these sacrifices, these changes to my life. 5 days ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
The first couple of days were rocky… two days in a row the launch was aborted due to severe chocolate cravings with guaranteed sightings of Reeses and Hershey’s. But then… like a bad sci-fi movie with its unlikely hero to save the day, the third day I was a diet goddess… I avoided the chocolate bag Kiss of death, narrowly dodged the Fun Dip to Hell and sneaked passed the Sugary Siren Song of my favorite carbs, bread and pasta. I ate a sensible dinner, and by that I mean I was starving! I had no idea how much food I was putting away… or how much I relied on food to get through the day… or how much I think about food!
And then Sunday happened. *sighs*
Sunday, it was like someone snuck into my psyche during the night and left black clouds to greet me the next day… I couldn’t get myself out of bed! I overslept and when I finally dragged myself out of bed it was like I was a Dawn of the Dead zombie, complete with groaning, shuffling and craving seriously for a very particular meal. Its like all the reasons why I’m nice to people goes out the window when you take away all the tasty in my diet. It didn’t help that my calves and ankles were stiff and sore from walking.
So there I am, Cranky Kitty, at 1 pm shuffling out of my bedroom and on my way to my fridge where I KNOW a lava cake from Dominoes is waiting…
Another day about to be doomed with chocolate.
I round the corner where my huge 55 gallon tank and my 10 gallon fish tank sit in the living room and I notice something odd about the pregger guppy I had in the breeder tank… She wasn’t pregnant anymore!
Swimming happily in short quick darts are 16 teeny tiny little fry, just born within the past hour.
Gone are the thoughts of that lava cake…. which is probably nasty crusty by now. I get to work separating the mother guppy from the fry, and my entire day gets refocused into making sure this batch of fry is successful.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still cranky today, but it’s a doable cranky. I educated my roommates and my husband on what I can eat… what I can’t… and what are trigger foods I love love love but just can’t have anymore.
And I find small things that remind me why I’m doing this. This morning for instance… I put on a dress this morning that I recently purchased from ebay. When it arrived, I tried it on and it was just too snug. I could look down and see my belly past my breasts. Considering genetics supplied me with a lot of Boob, that’s saying a lot. It fit but it was a very revealing fit… I looked like a bloated sausage in it. So I put it up along with a small piece of my dignity.
This morning when I got dressed, I reached for it.
I put it on.
I looked down.
I DON’T see my belly past my breasts.
Its not much of a difference… but its there… the belly to Boob ratio may change later today, but right now it’s a comfortable stalemate.
I’m wearing that dress today.
I’m on a self imposed food schedule. Thanks to Holly from 300poundsdown.com I’ve started my Victory List.
If anyone reads this and wants to know more….
She inspired me to get started.
I don’t want to go through surgery and with my diabetes that creates risks I’m not comfortable with taking. I’ve had friends who have gone through it and let me tell you, it’s no walk in the park! Its not completely off the table and I respect those brave enough to go through it, but I’m broke and I didn’t have the motivational support to lose weight as I do now.
I’m not looking forward to the mood swings I see coming my way. I don’t like being grumpy to my husband and to my friends. And I HATE how my dieting is affecting everyone else’s diet. But I’m still doing this.
And I’ll “just keep swimming” because I’m worth it.
Because my life is worth it.
When I go see my doctor on June 10th… I want her jaw to drop at how much I’ve changed my life around. Now for the boring diary update…
I’m taking all of my medications
Blood pressure: 126/86
Blood Sugar: 166
and I had my shake this morning before 7:30 am