Self Esteem and Facebook

I finally did it…
I posted this blog to my facebook account. Its like I’m finally making a commitment to make this work. I feel a little empowered actually. I’m telling the world I can be strong enough to do this, no matter what’s going to be tossed at me. I know one day I’m going to get nasty comments. I know one day, someone is going to try to break me, just because they want to try. I’ve opened the floodgates to let the trolls in.
But to be honest, trolls just need hugs. Somewhere, someone in their miserable lives destroyed their faith inside themselves, hurt them bad enough that nothing beautiful can exist in their eyes. I know one day, they will stumble across my insignificant existence and try to squash my brilliance. But I am a supernova, a white dwarf star, and a cataclysm all squished into this tiny human body who’s lost the fight with the food for the last time.
I’m not worried about those invisible trolls residing in my computer. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Forget the net trolls, my troll- in my head- tells me things far worse, things far more cruel… than ANYONE in this world could utter to me. I think it’s because it’s me saying them about myself. So it must be true right?
For the longest time, my inner mean girl has been my abusive stalker. She follows me everywhere I go, scrutinize everything I eat, tells me I’m disgusting, fat and unworthy. She beats me up every time I dare to look myself in the mirror. The black eyes of sleepless nights, the silent bruising of an already kicked puppy ego.
And everyday I face that ugly creature. Some days I can look that beastie in the face and say, “Not Today. Today, I am awesome.” and she disappears for a little while.
Today, I’ve got her hogtied in a closet with a dirty sock stuffed in her mouth. I’m going to the gym again tonight, like I’ve been doing for the past 2 nights. Gotta just keep swimming. Keep fighting. I’m worth it. I’ve always been worth it. I just forgot it along the way somewhere.

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so its been about a month….

since the last time I poured my soul onto a white screen and confessed my sins. I’ll start with the bad news first. I’ve kinda sorta fallen off the wagon.

eating healthy is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Not the giving up on sweets. That was the easy part. It’s the starches and a little on the portion sizing as well. I find I crave rice like nobody’s business. And since I’m a full fledged member of the diabetic community now, that’s bad.

I hate living differently than everyone else. I hate that others feel bad because my diet has changed so drastically. I hate that cakes and donuts and candy look like c4 explosives to me. I hate that others are uncomfortable because I’m trying to change my world, my palette, and save my life. I hate having to have shots week after week. I hate having to have blood tests every damned time I see my doctor. I hate that my thyroids are shot to hell and my ovaries like having pillows! I hate that I can’t get pregnant like a normal woman! I hate that I look at others in contempt who have their stuff straight. Women who have their passel of children, people who can run on those stupid treadmills, women who can wear heels comfortably. Everyone below a size 20, especially the ones who are eating donuts. And I HATE splenda.

I’ve had some massive set backs in my absence… some set backs that are so humiliating and shameful I’m reluctant to share on here. But I made a promise to the man I love, my husband, who’s been by my side every step of the way, accepting these changes supportively. So Here goes.

I woke up one early morning like 4 am after a rather heart rending dream about my mother. I was losing her all over again and the loss, the extraordinary anguish I felt was tormenting me. Instead of waking him up, to give him a chance to console me…

I turned to alcohol. I drank a bottle of crown royal black, straight shots. The entire thing. In my misery, all I could think about was to drown out the thoughts, the pain, the sadness.  He woke up to a drunk wife at 8 am. That was a new all time low for me.

So when I went back to the doctor again, I requested help. I’m now on anti-depressants to help me cope with the loss of mom. Upside is I’m not crying on a daily basis. Downside is I want to sleep ALL THE TIME. As we speak, right now… my lids are trying to beat the tortoise and the hare for the finish line. I could seriously fall asleep right now.

I’ve been going back to the gym. Went last night for almost an hour and I’m going again tonight.

Starting weight: 382

Current weight: 371 (as of last night)

Fasting am Blood sugar: 231

Blood pressure pm: 131/81

I can do this… just gotta take it one day at a time, remember to just keep swimming.