I finally did it…
I posted this blog to my facebook account. Its like I’m finally making a commitment to make this work. I feel a little empowered actually. I’m telling the world I can be strong enough to do this, no matter what’s going to be tossed at me. I know one day I’m going to get nasty comments. I know one day, someone is going to try to break me, just because they want to try. I’ve opened the floodgates to let the trolls in.
But to be honest, trolls just need hugs. Somewhere, someone in their miserable lives destroyed their faith inside themselves, hurt them bad enough that nothing beautiful can exist in their eyes. I know one day, they will stumble across my insignificant existence and try to squash my brilliance. But I am a supernova, a white dwarf star, and a cataclysm all squished into this tiny human body who’s lost the fight with the food for the last time.
I’m not worried about those invisible trolls residing in my computer. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Forget the net trolls, my troll- in my head- tells me things far worse, things far more cruel… than ANYONE in this world could utter to me. I think it’s because it’s me saying them about myself. So it must be true right?
For the longest time, my inner mean girl has been my abusive stalker. She follows me everywhere I go, scrutinize everything I eat, tells me I’m disgusting, fat and unworthy. She beats me up every time I dare to look myself in the mirror. The black eyes of sleepless nights, the silent bruising of an already kicked puppy ego.
And everyday I face that ugly creature. Some days I can look that beastie in the face and say, “Not Today. Today, I am awesome.” and she disappears for a little while.
Today, I’ve got her hogtied in a closet with a dirty sock stuffed in her mouth. I’m going to the gym again tonight, like I’ve been doing for the past 2 nights. Gotta just keep swimming. Keep fighting. I’m worth it. I’ve always been worth it. I just forgot it along the way somewhere.