so its been about a month….

since the last time I poured my soul onto a white screen and confessed my sins. I’ll start with the bad news first. I’ve kinda sorta fallen off the wagon.

eating healthy is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Not the giving up on sweets. That was the easy part. It’s the starches and a little on the portion sizing as well. I find I crave rice like nobody’s business. And since I’m a full fledged member of the diabetic community now, that’s bad.

I hate living differently than everyone else. I hate that others feel bad because my diet has changed so drastically. I hate that cakes and donuts and candy look like c4 explosives to me. I hate that others are uncomfortable because I’m trying to change my world, my palette, and save my life. I hate having to have shots week after week. I hate having to have blood tests every damned time I see my doctor. I hate that my thyroids are shot to hell and my ovaries like having pillows! I hate that I can’t get pregnant like a normal woman! I hate that I look at others in contempt who have their stuff straight. Women who have their passel of children, people who can run on those stupid treadmills, women who can wear heels comfortably. Everyone below a size 20, especially the ones who are eating donuts. And I HATE splenda.

I’ve had some massive set backs in my absence… some set backs that are so humiliating and shameful I’m reluctant to share on here. But I made a promise to the man I love, my husband, who’s been by my side every step of the way, accepting these changes supportively. So Here goes.

I woke up one early morning like 4 am after a rather heart rending dream about my mother. I was losing her all over again and the loss, the extraordinary anguish I felt was tormenting me. Instead of waking him up, to give him a chance to console me…

I turned to alcohol. I drank a bottle of crown royal black, straight shots. The entire thing. In my misery, all I could think about was to drown out the thoughts, the pain, the sadness.  He woke up to a drunk wife at 8 am. That was a new all time low for me.

So when I went back to the doctor again, I requested help. I’m now on anti-depressants to help me cope with the loss of mom. Upside is I’m not crying on a daily basis. Downside is I want to sleep ALL THE TIME. As we speak, right now… my lids are trying to beat the tortoise and the hare for the finish line. I could seriously fall asleep right now.

I’ve been going back to the gym. Went last night for almost an hour and I’m going again tonight.

Starting weight: 382

Current weight: 371 (as of last night)

Fasting am Blood sugar: 231

Blood pressure pm: 131/81

I can do this… just gotta take it one day at a time, remember to just keep swimming.

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2 thoughts on “so its been about a month….

  1. Cindi Barnes Donitzen says:

    You have a gift with words…and I am so very proud of you for sharing what are very painful, intimate feelings. You can do this, my heart. You are my dreamer, my shining star. I love you.

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