Dreams Goals and a Turkey


I can do this! Me at hopefully 160 lbs and me currently at 370.





So this morning I got a little arts and crafty. I wanted to see what I’d look like healthier. Being able to SEE a guesstimate of where I’m going. A visual atlas if I succeed. I want this so bad. I want to be able to feel alive and know that because of this, I will live.

This thanksgiving was a bittersweet holiday, being that it’s my first thanksgiving without mom. I convinced my grandparents, my dad, my siblings and their significant others and my aunt and my cousin to come visit and see my new home for the first time. In a way, by them seeing it, it’s almost… just a little like my mom is seeing it. Each one of them has something of my mother and now that she’s gone, I see those tiny bright qualities shine like supernovas. My grandmother’s kindness and warmth, her eyes… my grandfather’s brilliance and startling intelligence, not to mention his height. my dad with the love they shared for one another and the love for their children. My sister and brother, their stubbornness, their spirit and loyalty. lastly my little sister who has the closest, most vivid reflection of our mother, her hair, her gestures,… and her smile. It was bittersweet for us because of the absence of mom’s laughter, and how it would light up her eyes. She was on many occasions referred to the proverbial glue that held us together. Even now, she holds us together. Thanksgiving was wonderful… and somehow, no matter how separate our lives have gotten, we came together as we always have but better. In a way, I miss her so much more now that ever. I wish she could have seen us… getting along, being a family without being forced to “play nice” as I’ve heard so many times over the years by mom. There was sincerity and a simple truth of being grateful that we have one another. I miss them all already and I can’t wait until Christmas gets here so I can be with them again.<3


Lose It!!!!!

For a while now, I’ve had the free app Lose It on my phone. I’d forget about it for a while and eventually stumble across it again. I mentioned in a previous post that my buddy Dusty is helping me lose my 250 lbs.

*sighs* it always sickens me that I have the extra weight of two GROWN people on my frame.

*shakes head*

ANYWAYS,  So since I’ve gotten back onto the marathon track so to speak, I’ve been renewing my use of the Lose it app. I found I get into it so much that I went to the website which I shall provide links below. They have a premium membership of 40.00 per year which I straight up purchased right away. I love this thing. I’ve been recording my meals, taking pictures and trying my best to stay on track. I’ve lost 4.8 lbs so I’m pretty motivated right now. I had to go to a seminar out of town, and even though my support partner was no where near me, I stayed on target and tried my best to eat right. As it is, I’m about to go out to eat with my husband, and my bud D20Knight which is another blogger on wordpress for lunch.

ya know what?

I’ve already planned what I’m eating for lunch. If you do your research on the restaurant you’re going to, chances are that they have a website presence where the nutrition tables are posted. If not, I’ve found in my case, that I won’t be returning to said restaurant. Great food, awesome people, but my health comes first. If I don’t know what the nutritional costs of what’s going in my body, I’m not eating it.

Today for Lunch:

Applebee’s Zesty Roma Chicken and Shimp with grilled veggies and ice water! It’s fantastically delicious and the price and calories on it are fab. I feel like I’m spoiling myself but really, I’m being more aware and careful of what I’m consuming. I want my life to start. I have live and I deserve to feel good about myself. I didn’t get to where I was by doing the right thing, but come hell or high water, I’m going to do this.

I know it’s going to be hard. I have Diabetes, hypothyroidism, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and a bum ankle. Those crutches aren’t going to get me where I need to be but I have to live with them and deal with those obstacles to my best ability.

I’m not going to stop. I matter.

::post publish edit::


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Long time coming…

Yesterday I had one of my lowest days ever. I was tired, hungry, and altogether pissed off at the world. I hated me, my existence, the very fact that I was present depressed me. I hated how the world sees me, treats me, and that I put myself there with careless abandon. I then realized that I hadn’t been posting like I should have. I completely forgot what this blog was for. It was meant to be my release, my catalyst. Somewhere, some when I forgot that.

I even turned over a new leaf. I’m trying to be more vigilant in my health and my purpose in life. I’ve gone so far as to have my friend Dusty help me control when I’m eating, help me control when I’m exercising, and help me realize just how many calories I taken on a daily basis.

I’m ashamed to say that I forgot the promise I made to my mom. I’m not gonna do that again. I will lose the weight I will do this… just gonna keep swimming.
Anyone who’s out there who read my words …who listen to the inanity of my nonsense: don’t give up we can do this together until the end.