It’s been over a full year

And before I get into the update, I have an issue with WordPress. For some reason I can’t get onto my wordpress via computer. This is through my phone. Bear with me while I sort this mess out

Many loves and fond wishes

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Hem-Hawing Around…

I’ve been sitting on this talking point for quite a while and since I have a small victory under my belt, I’m going to for once divulge what’s rattling around in my Carb-addled brain. I’m staring at my white computer screen finding some difficulty stuck under my keys trying to put to words what has been plaguing me most of my life.

I’m going to share a few facts about myself that my reader doesn’t know about me.

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– I sometimes have suicidal thoughts about once a month.

– I can’t stand to look at myself.

– I think everyone talks about me behind my back.

– I never thought I’d end up being 382 lbs… which by the way was my weight when I started all this mess.

– I have nightmares about taking my diabetic medication – bydurion (sp?)

– I get irrationally angry when I’m not allowed more carbs.

– I, despite what friends and family think, believe I am a disgusting, hideous creature that should just give up because it’s never going to work.

– I hate shopping, windowed or not. Nothing ever looks good on me and I can’t afford it anyways…

 

I hate these facts about myself. They are self-loathing and it undermines my progress to getting healthy. Here’s more secrets I bet you don’t know about me…:

1. I was able to exercise for a full 30 minutes without giving up.

2. I went shopping for the first time for myself and spent money on things I needed. I enjoyed it. really really enjoyed it. Almost better than sex enjoyed it.

3. I bought a bunch of somethings I wouldn’t have dared to… they were more form fitting. I tend to hide myself under layers of clothes. I look damn nice in leggings, a red sweater dress and heeled calve high boots. Down right sexy even.

4. So far, I’ve lost 16 lbs… it’s not a lot and to be honest, I’ve been too afraid to push myself harder. Yesterday’s 30 min workout proved to me I CAN do this.

5. My husband, the most brilliant, loving, patient and bravest man in my world adores me and isn’t going to give up on me… even when I do. Everyday, he reminds me of how lucky I am when he smiles at me because everything gets easier.

Life is a hard, complex struggle that we all have to get through. My struggles can’t be compared to your struggles just as yours can’t be compared to your neighbor’s. Life is hard from the teenage girl who has to wear boys clothes everyday, use the boy’s bathroom because she can’t go to the one she feels safe in, the gay college student who’s afraid to come out of the closet because they see hate messages everywhere they go, to the African American communities who get targeted unfairly merely because of a skin pigmentation to the elderly man or woman who can’t afford their heating and cooling bills so they can pay for their medicine.

Its hard for that little boy or girl who was called fat from the word go… not initially for their eating habits but because of their medical conditions. They fight the genetic bad luck as they continue to gain, they starve themselves and hate themselves until they get tired of fighting anymore. We get suicidal and it’s insidious. The method we chose to take us out of this world ends up the very thing that set us up to fail. We just stop caring for us like so many humans stop caring for each other’s hard. This became a rant because yesterday a dear friend of mine and I shared a conversation that opened my eyes.

She blames that person that’s gained the 200 lbs for their weight solely. Now, I agree, being lazy has a hand in it but it saddens me to think that she believes I’m still this way because she thinks I don’t want it hard enough. I want it so bad I’m in tears thinking about being slender.  I’m still this way because somewhere down the road, I stopped caring about ME. I’m still this way because it seems so impossible to achieve most days. Losing mom is what got me out of the swirling whirlpool that was dooming me to a hospital bed. When I saw her in that bed, it was looking at me 20 years from now. I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE! I have to fight. I have to survive. If I had done this sooner, drug her with me kicking and screaming, my mother would likely still be alive today!! THAT is my fuel. THAT is my WHY. It wasn’t laziness that kept me from going walking. It was fear that it wouldn’t do any good to fight.

Mom, this is me fighting for you. This is me living for you. I’m going to live a long, healthy life….and we’re going to give you lots of sweet, rosy cheeked grand babies for you. These moments when I feel so strong, I miss you the most because I want to show you how far I’ve come. But I’m going to keep going because if I stop fighting I lose everything.

Dreams Goals and a Turkey

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I can do this! Me at hopefully 160 lbs and me currently at 370.

 

 

 

 

So this morning I got a little arts and crafty. I wanted to see what I’d look like healthier. Being able to SEE a guesstimate of where I’m going. A visual atlas if I succeed. I want this so bad. I want to be able to feel alive and know that because of this, I will live.

This thanksgiving was a bittersweet holiday, being that it’s my first thanksgiving without mom. I convinced my grandparents, my dad, my siblings and their significant others and my aunt and my cousin to come visit and see my new home for the first time. In a way, by them seeing it, it’s almost… just a little like my mom is seeing it. Each one of them has something of my mother and now that she’s gone, I see those tiny bright qualities shine like supernovas. My grandmother’s kindness and warmth, her eyes… my grandfather’s brilliance and startling intelligence, not to mention his height. my dad with the love they shared for one another and the love for their children. My sister and brother, their stubbornness, their spirit and loyalty. lastly my little sister who has the closest, most vivid reflection of our mother, her hair, her gestures,… and her smile. It was bittersweet for us because of the absence of mom’s laughter, and how it would light up her eyes. She was on many occasions referred to the proverbial glue that held us together. Even now, she holds us together. Thanksgiving was wonderful… and somehow, no matter how separate our lives have gotten, we came together as we always have but better. In a way, I miss her so much more now that ever. I wish she could have seen us… getting along, being a family without being forced to “play nice” as I’ve heard so many times over the years by mom. There was sincerity and a simple truth of being grateful that we have one another. I miss them all already and I can’t wait until Christmas gets here so I can be with them again.<3

Lose It!!!!!

For a while now, I’ve had the free app Lose It on my phone. I’d forget about it for a while and eventually stumble across it again. I mentioned in a previous post that my buddy Dusty is helping me lose my 250 lbs.

*sighs* it always sickens me that I have the extra weight of two GROWN people on my frame.

*shakes head*

ANYWAYS,  So since I’ve gotten back onto the marathon track so to speak, I’ve been renewing my use of the Lose it app. I found I get into it so much that I went to the website which I shall provide links below. They have a premium membership of 40.00 per year which I straight up purchased right away. I love this thing. I’ve been recording my meals, taking pictures and trying my best to stay on track. I’ve lost 4.8 lbs so I’m pretty motivated right now. I had to go to a seminar out of town, and even though my support partner was no where near me, I stayed on target and tried my best to eat right. As it is, I’m about to go out to eat with my husband, and my bud D20Knight which is another blogger on wordpress for lunch.

ya know what?

I’ve already planned what I’m eating for lunch. If you do your research on the restaurant you’re going to, chances are that they have a website presence where the nutrition tables are posted. If not, I’ve found in my case, that I won’t be returning to said restaurant. Great food, awesome people, but my health comes first. If I don’t know what the nutritional costs of what’s going in my body, I’m not eating it.

Today for Lunch:

Applebee’s Zesty Roma Chicken and Shimp with grilled veggies and ice water! It’s fantastically delicious and the price and calories on it are fab. I feel like I’m spoiling myself but really, I’m being more aware and careful of what I’m consuming. I want my life to start. I have live and I deserve to feel good about myself. I didn’t get to where I was by doing the right thing, but come hell or high water, I’m going to do this.

I know it’s going to be hard. I have Diabetes, hypothyroidism, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and a bum ankle. Those crutches aren’t going to get me where I need to be but I have to live with them and deal with those obstacles to my best ability.

I’m not going to stop. I matter.

::post publish edit::

https://www.loseit.com/how-it-works/

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Long time coming…

Yesterday I had one of my lowest days ever. I was tired, hungry, and altogether pissed off at the world. I hated me, my existence, the very fact that I was present depressed me. I hated how the world sees me, treats me, and that I put myself there with careless abandon. I then realized that I hadn’t been posting like I should have. I completely forgot what this blog was for. It was meant to be my release, my catalyst. Somewhere, some when I forgot that.

I even turned over a new leaf. I’m trying to be more vigilant in my health and my purpose in life. I’ve gone so far as to have my friend Dusty help me control when I’m eating, help me control when I’m exercising, and help me realize just how many calories I taken on a daily basis.

I’m ashamed to say that I forgot the promise I made to my mom. I’m not gonna do that again. I will lose the weight I will do this… just gonna keep swimming.
Anyone who’s out there who read my words …who listen to the inanity of my nonsense: don’t give up we can do this together until the end.

Self Esteem and Facebook

I finally did it…
I posted this blog to my facebook account. Its like I’m finally making a commitment to make this work. I feel a little empowered actually. I’m telling the world I can be strong enough to do this, no matter what’s going to be tossed at me. I know one day I’m going to get nasty comments. I know one day, someone is going to try to break me, just because they want to try. I’ve opened the floodgates to let the trolls in.
But to be honest, trolls just need hugs. Somewhere, someone in their miserable lives destroyed their faith inside themselves, hurt them bad enough that nothing beautiful can exist in their eyes. I know one day, they will stumble across my insignificant existence and try to squash my brilliance. But I am a supernova, a white dwarf star, and a cataclysm all squished into this tiny human body who’s lost the fight with the food for the last time.
I’m not worried about those invisible trolls residing in my computer. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Forget the net trolls, my troll- in my head- tells me things far worse, things far more cruel… than ANYONE in this world could utter to me. I think it’s because it’s me saying them about myself. So it must be true right?
For the longest time, my inner mean girl has been my abusive stalker. She follows me everywhere I go, scrutinize everything I eat, tells me I’m disgusting, fat and unworthy. She beats me up every time I dare to look myself in the mirror. The black eyes of sleepless nights, the silent bruising of an already kicked puppy ego.
And everyday I face that ugly creature. Some days I can look that beastie in the face and say, “Not Today. Today, I am awesome.” and she disappears for a little while.
Today, I’ve got her hogtied in a closet with a dirty sock stuffed in her mouth. I’m going to the gym again tonight, like I’ve been doing for the past 2 nights. Gotta just keep swimming. Keep fighting. I’m worth it. I’ve always been worth it. I just forgot it along the way somewhere.

so its been about a month….

since the last time I poured my soul onto a white screen and confessed my sins. I’ll start with the bad news first. I’ve kinda sorta fallen off the wagon.

eating healthy is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Not the giving up on sweets. That was the easy part. It’s the starches and a little on the portion sizing as well. I find I crave rice like nobody’s business. And since I’m a full fledged member of the diabetic community now, that’s bad.

I hate living differently than everyone else. I hate that others feel bad because my diet has changed so drastically. I hate that cakes and donuts and candy look like c4 explosives to me. I hate that others are uncomfortable because I’m trying to change my world, my palette, and save my life. I hate having to have shots week after week. I hate having to have blood tests every damned time I see my doctor. I hate that my thyroids are shot to hell and my ovaries like having pillows! I hate that I can’t get pregnant like a normal woman! I hate that I look at others in contempt who have their stuff straight. Women who have their passel of children, people who can run on those stupid treadmills, women who can wear heels comfortably. Everyone below a size 20, especially the ones who are eating donuts. And I HATE splenda.

I’ve had some massive set backs in my absence… some set backs that are so humiliating and shameful I’m reluctant to share on here. But I made a promise to the man I love, my husband, who’s been by my side every step of the way, accepting these changes supportively. So Here goes.

I woke up one early morning like 4 am after a rather heart rending dream about my mother. I was losing her all over again and the loss, the extraordinary anguish I felt was tormenting me. Instead of waking him up, to give him a chance to console me…

I turned to alcohol. I drank a bottle of crown royal black, straight shots. The entire thing. In my misery, all I could think about was to drown out the thoughts, the pain, the sadness.  He woke up to a drunk wife at 8 am. That was a new all time low for me.

So when I went back to the doctor again, I requested help. I’m now on anti-depressants to help me cope with the loss of mom. Upside is I’m not crying on a daily basis. Downside is I want to sleep ALL THE TIME. As we speak, right now… my lids are trying to beat the tortoise and the hare for the finish line. I could seriously fall asleep right now.

I’ve been going back to the gym. Went last night for almost an hour and I’m going again tonight.

Starting weight: 382

Current weight: 371 (as of last night)

Fasting am Blood sugar: 231

Blood pressure pm: 131/81

I can do this… just gotta take it one day at a time, remember to just keep swimming.